When Extroverts Marry Introverts: A Guest Blog
Doris Fullgrabe is a relationship coach and the founder of Your Love Profiles. She uses personality type insights and Jungian psychology to help couples navigate their relationship dynamics. I met Doris at Altared 2020, an online community of wedding vendors who are invested in creating a meaningful, inclusive wedding industry for all couples.
Today, I’m happy to share a guest blog by Doris as she highlights some insights she has gained in working with couples who identify as Introverted and Extroverted. Perhaps the labels of “Extrovert” and “Introvert” can feel limiting or confining to you, but if you see these categories as possible frameworks for understanding your partner’s preferred interaction styles, can these understandings open up new insights in your relationship?
When Extroverts Marry Introverts - Common Challenges & Tips For How To Overcome Them
I'm on record as saying, "Type saved my marriage." Psychological Type helped me understand that my husband isn't annoying me on purpose, it's just that he's wired differently than I am. We use our brains in fundamentally different ways. The way we process information, make decisions, communicate, get energized - are all different.
Relationships come in many flavors, and people are too complex to be reduced to one attribute. But since we can't cover everything in this post, let's focus on how people get energized. To make sure we're on the same page, here are some basic definitions.
According to the Introduction to Type manual*:
People who prefer Extroversion like to focus on the outer world of people and activity. They direct their energy and attention outward and receive energy from interacting with people and from taking action.
People who prefer Introversion like to focus on their own inner world of ideas and experiences. They direct their energy and attention inward and receive energy from reflecting on their thoughts, memories, and feelings.
These definitions are based on Carl Jung's work on Psychological Types.
Extroversion and Introversion, or E and I for short, was the first dimension Jung noticed and used in his classification of the human psyche. (He would later go on and identify E and I as "attitudes" in which his cognitive functions of Sensing, Intuiting, Thinking, and Feeling can occur, but we'll leave that for another post.)
Contrary to many of the memes out there, people with Extroversion preferences can be quiet, and people with Introversion preferences can be engaging.
What happens when these Types get in relationship with each other?
When it's going well
When two people with Extroversion preferences get together, you can expect a good amount of action. They probably talk easily, discuss what's on their minds, and enjoy one another's company. They're also likely to have an active social calendar and a large circle of friends and acquaintances.
When one partner prefers Extroversion and the other Introversion, their energies are pretty balanced. One will likely be encouraging lively interaction (E), while the other will encourage calm reflection (I).
When both partners prefer Introversion, they will enjoy a lot of private time. They're likely to be happily "alone together," and even make space as individuals to nurture and tend to their rich inner worlds.
When it's...challenging
When both partners prefer Extroversion, they may be so busy that they have to make a conscious effort to schedule time together. They may also experience a sort of "competition" for attention when they're together, or feel like either partner isn't listening closely enough.
Tip: Make the effort to spend time together, just the two of you, that doesn't involve another person or a screen of any kind. Don't discuss child care or household chores; the purpose is to connect as the two adults that you are in that relationship. Tell stories, go for a walk, share what's going on in your lives, cook something together - whatever you like. And be mindful to balance sharing and listening time. It might feel awkward or silly at first, but many Native American traditions use a "talking stick" at their council meetings to make sure everyone gets their say without interruptions.
In couples with E and I preferences, the most common challenges are agreeing on what constitutes quality time, and when to discuss arguments or misunderstandings. The person with E preferences is more likely to want to spend time in groups, and talk things out as they happen. The person with I preferences is more likely to want to spend time as a couple or even by themselves, and tends to need time away to process before (if ever) verbalizing their thoughts and feelings.
Tip: For quality time, verbalize your needs, and talk about how you can work together to meet them. Recognize that your partner isn't 'avoiding' you if they don't want to join your pinball league, or 'dragging you out' to a friend's birthday party to annoy you on purpose, they simply have different reactions to groups of people. For settling arguments, understand that the partner with E preferences (especially the E-F- varieties) may be in pain until the conflict is resolved, and that the partner with I preferences needs to 'go away' (mentally, if not physically) before being comfortable to discuss or negotiate a resolution. It helps if the introverted partner can provide a ballpark ETA of when they'll be comfortable to talk, so there's an "end in sight" for the extraverted partner. That, and calling for a 'processing time-out' are good practices here.
When both partners prefer Introversion, that kind of processing before verbalizing may lead to built up resentment that can be hard to come back from. Unspoken assumptions can lead to an 'emotional charge' which can make the partner feel cornered or misunderstood.**
Tip: Romanticism would have us believe that asking our partner to explain something ruins the vibe, they should be able to read our minds, or it means they're not "the one." In relationships, direct communication is what actually helps avoid misunderstanding, explains assumptions, and therefore, keeps the romance alive. Check with your partner whether they mean what you think they mean, as close to the actual moment as possible (i.e. don't store things up until "the right time." There's no such thing.) Also check whether you've actually had the conversation you think you had with them, or whether that was just in your head. (Sounds facetious, but it happens.)
Be who you are and celebrate your differences
Again, people are much more complex and shouldn't be reduced to any one aspect of their Type pattern. But I hope even this small example illustrates how people of all Type preferences can have relationships with people of all other Type preferences. There will always be times when they work well together, and times when a little conscious effort is needed to overcome innate differences.
The key is having the awareness to recognize how we're wired to like to do things.
Realize that "treat them as you'd want to be treated" doesn't work, because they're different from you. It's not about being "the same," but rather practicing different behaviors to help bridge the gaps. That way, both partners get to be more of who they are, and complement one another's blind spots.
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*Introduction to Type Manual, Isabel Briggs Myers, Sixth edition 1998, page 9
**Using Type with Couples, Margaret Hartzler, PhD and Gary Hartzler, MSA, Fourth edition 2012, page 22
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Doris is a Relationship Coach who helps couples feel more connected using Personality Type insights. Her custom “Love Profiles” report compares both partners’ Types side by side, and explains practical strategies how to bridge relationship differences.
She offers a non-religious, non-dogmatic Premarital Prep Program where couples learn to celebrate their differences and co-create their relationship. To get a taste, watch this recorded webinar about how different Types make decisions and get stressed while planning a wedding.
For more information, or to book a complimentary consult, visit www.yourloveprofiles.com.